Forgive and Forget
These days I have been going through and emotional ride where I am never satisfied with how KN is treating me. I felt like I have to play games with this person in order for him to give his full attention to me. I have become more or less pathetic in just trying to get him to notice me. Which are the things I shouldn't be doing because he is my boyfriend. But somehow, everything just wasn't enough.
Yesterday, I wanted to see him. I just wanted to fall into his arms and relax. I just wanted to be with him and get really damn frustrated when he didn't want to see me and he asked me to go home instead and have lunch at home instead. I was furious. I was angry, I was frustrated. I told him what I feel. Why is it so hard for me to just hang out with my boyfriend? Why is it that you wanted to see less of me? Why can't I enjoy having you around? Why can't you want me the way I want you?
You see, this kind of emotions or feeling are severely attached to the thoughts that I think he's not in love me. The thoughts that I think he doesn't want. By falling into his arms, it could make me feel safe again, it could make me feel loved again. Such validation, is it really needed Illya?
I can see myself not being able to forgive KN for wanting to let go of me. Which makes me think the reason why I am feeling all of this anxious feeling, this agitation, this madness. I guess I don't feel safe where I am in his heart because whatever things going on, I can just let me go. He can just ditch me. I don't like the thought. I want to be safe. I want to be secure. I want to feel that you really want me.
But this forgiveness from my side, is going to take a long while. I can't be grateful for what I feel. I can't be grateful for whatever it is.
I will try.
I will try.
Yesterday, I wanted to see him. I just wanted to fall into his arms and relax. I just wanted to be with him and get really damn frustrated when he didn't want to see me and he asked me to go home instead and have lunch at home instead. I was furious. I was angry, I was frustrated. I told him what I feel. Why is it so hard for me to just hang out with my boyfriend? Why is it that you wanted to see less of me? Why can't I enjoy having you around? Why can't you want me the way I want you?
You see, this kind of emotions or feeling are severely attached to the thoughts that I think he's not in love me. The thoughts that I think he doesn't want. By falling into his arms, it could make me feel safe again, it could make me feel loved again. Such validation, is it really needed Illya?
I can see myself not being able to forgive KN for wanting to let go of me. Which makes me think the reason why I am feeling all of this anxious feeling, this agitation, this madness. I guess I don't feel safe where I am in his heart because whatever things going on, I can just let me go. He can just ditch me. I don't like the thought. I want to be safe. I want to be secure. I want to feel that you really want me.
But this forgiveness from my side, is going to take a long while. I can't be grateful for what I feel. I can't be grateful for whatever it is.
I will try.
I will try.
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