Dear KN,

I wanted to tell you that I don't want to let you go. You are too precious to me and I don't think I am able to just leave you be. But I am tired and I am drained. Just thinking about you makes my heart ache and my head spinning. I ran out of ideas of trying to get us back together and I am tired of trying to convinced you to stay. What I also tired of is trying to justify your behaviour. If ever people say, fingers would be pointing at you and say, you're the sucky one, if someone would ever love me, they won't do that. They will always stay with you during hard times and never let you go. You did, you let me go and I am sad about it. Only God knows how I feel right now.

I feel like I need to know what you're doing right now.
I feel like I want to know if you're going out.
I feel like I want to know everything.

This thing should be a simple gesture that I don't need to ask you everytime. I should be something that just flows because you will be happy to tell me things and I will be the first person to know. But I realized that you like to do things on your own and when you remembered, or I asked, then you would tell. Our values are already mismatched.

What you are when we first met, that is what I want in a man.
What you are now, is not exactly.
I want someone who is not afraid to show the world that he loves me.
That cares for my heart, that cares for my well-being.

No matter how much I want to be with you right now, I know I can no longer stay.
because in the end, you decided to let me go.
Not for the first time.
But for so many times I have lost count.

That's why I resent you for not treating me like how I should be treated.
with love and care.
But I know I can't force you and you can't force me too.

I am scared to let go.
I am terrified to go away.
But I have no hand to hold on to.
you've let go of yours
so what I've been doing is grasping air or a shadow of yours
that's no longer there.