the end of 2013
"What's so good about getting out of your comfort zone anyway?"
"All it brings is discomfort!"
Well, Amalina simply replied,
"It's getting out of your comfort zone. Of course there's chaos."
and yeah, I eventually agreed to that. It's true that as I walked out of my bubble, I looked around for while and do stuffs. I joined a club, met new people, along the way, I fell down; fought with friends, ignoring my studies and other negative stuffs. However, as I went through all of this, I realized my mistakes along the way. I see the bigger picture on what I should have or could have improved along the way. Although some people might take it lightly about what I went through, but for me, it's a new turn, a new blow on how I see myself and things around me.
Meeting new people for instance, gave me a wide shock on how to react and act. I used to have this image of being the perfect lady but I realized, for what? and who am I trying to impress? Truth is, the only person I want to impress is myself. Just think about it, I am the only want who visualize what 'perfect' is. It's all in my mind. In order to reach that level of 'perfect', I ruined myself along the way, losing what is me. And so, as i met this person, he made me panicked. All the things I wanted to hide from others, eventually, thrown out, bare in front of him and yet, he didn't judge as I thought he would. I got the shock of my life, actually, wondering and kept wondering. Yeah, I got paranoid. But maybe, God wanted to show me a new path, a new way where before, my eyes were blurred by the perfection I chase. Somehow, I'm glad I made that move. I will not regret it.
But while I was busy trying to find the new me, and new things, I neglected the things that I have around me. The first thing I neglected, to be honest, was my study. haha. I am so sorry but I did ignored it. I was too busy with what so called 'life' that I forgot my responsibility. I admit. I was wrong and I shall do better on the next semester.
The next thing I ignored is my friends, well, I do feel great having at least one person whose not from my surrounding. But, I pushed away the others. I actually miss hanging out like we used too. Late at night and all. But eventually, things are not the same. Some of my friends prefer to stay inside the house but I can't say anything because it's their preference and they have valid reasons too. So, at some times, I realized I just go if I want too. and that resulted the 'alone time' at the shopping mall.
I went to midvalley all by myself and watched a movie. It was fun because I get to eat and explore places I, myself wanted to explore. But I got scolded very bad from my mom. Which she made me realize that going alone didn't mean you're independent or you can live alone; it just come out as pathetic? Well yeah, I did feel it somehow, as I walked alone. It's nice but sad at the same time. It was a great experience but I promise myself to enjoy it with my friends.
Love. that. I'm giving up on that. I shouldn't have let my feelings overwhelmed me. I shouldn't have let peers get into my mind. I should just let it be. The thing is, when you're searching, you will eventually accept anyone that came to the picture. Anyone is acceptable as long as you have someone. I learned that you're not going to be happy that way. You'll hurt the person you're pouring your love to and you're hurting yourself as well. It's best to let it flow and it'll eventually come. But I'll have to stick to this. I eventually went astray sometime. Didn't want to accept reality. haha.
and so, that is how I ended my 2013. a lot of things. but I shall be a better person in the future. Improving as days pass by. I hope. Let us pray. ^^
*closes book*
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