my delusions of a boy
It was a 2 year commitment. Me and You, that is. It was not a normal relationship that anyone would have thought. Even when my friends asked me of this queer attachment, I couldn't dare explain in detail. It would create a scandalous perceptions but most unlikely because Me and You, we both know what we are. At least, one of us does.
It was a business transaction really, to him. I called it friendship but he rejected the idea completely. "We were never friends to begin with. We were just two people interested in each other. Mine was very specific. So if you thought there is anything going on between us, then it's just you," were the words he said before the farewell. I was devastated really. To me, what he said is just not fair. Everything are to his advantage, accusing me for having delusions of what it is. Let me tell you something dear friend. You've said things you weren't supposed to say to a mundane relationship, you did things that you're not supposed to in a mundane relationship so how could you. "Out of the people I associate with, you're the one who understand me most," which makes me question now. Really? "I'll keep you in my pocket forever," really? You were not supposed to use those words on me. Forever. That is one dangerous word.
We're not supposed to go to trips to the cinema or to the library until 6 in the morning. If you would at least think of what I feel, you should have leave me alone. You should just leave me like the first time you ignored me completely. You know what is wrong with this whole relationship? I give more than I get and stop telling me that I am the only one thinking that. You too sacrifice but dear, you were investing, compensating for the privilege that I give you so it could shut my mouth if i ever say that i give too much and get too little. I am mad but it doesn't mean i hate you. and yes, i do realize what you give me but it was never enough. because you know why? because i love you. and i hate you for using it and suck it out of me, leaving me nothing but my own heartbreak which to you, comes from my own delusional expectation of you. i can't understand you. at times, you were sincere. at some, you're just compensating.
I'm sorry I was in love with you. I'm sorry that I adore every little thing about you. Your ugly face, your lazy eyes, your sarcastic tone, your negative thoughts, your messy way of eating, your morning face, your laughter, your gestures, your way of thinking, your socioeconomic status, all of it.
Dear, I actually see how very flawed you are. You're not what I imagined. Anyone with that face should be living a dream but not you, you are totally flawed and to change that, it'll take years of hard work. But, i didn't mind, you see. Because you, yourself, covers all that weakness. I like that about you. and as you can see, this post has a mixture feelings to it. Of that sour denial, the sweet delusional and most importantly, the freaking adornment.
I will remember you forever as I will forget.
Every little bit part of me is gone. Now i have to carefully pick those scattered pieces and patched things up myself. i guess that's what unconditional love does to me. it breaks me and leaves me to clean up the mess all alone because there was never an US, there's just ME.
It was a business transaction really, to him. I called it friendship but he rejected the idea completely. "We were never friends to begin with. We were just two people interested in each other. Mine was very specific. So if you thought there is anything going on between us, then it's just you," were the words he said before the farewell. I was devastated really. To me, what he said is just not fair. Everything are to his advantage, accusing me for having delusions of what it is. Let me tell you something dear friend. You've said things you weren't supposed to say to a mundane relationship, you did things that you're not supposed to in a mundane relationship so how could you. "Out of the people I associate with, you're the one who understand me most," which makes me question now. Really? "I'll keep you in my pocket forever," really? You were not supposed to use those words on me. Forever. That is one dangerous word.
We're not supposed to go to trips to the cinema or to the library until 6 in the morning. If you would at least think of what I feel, you should have leave me alone. You should just leave me like the first time you ignored me completely. You know what is wrong with this whole relationship? I give more than I get and stop telling me that I am the only one thinking that. You too sacrifice but dear, you were investing, compensating for the privilege that I give you so it could shut my mouth if i ever say that i give too much and get too little. I am mad but it doesn't mean i hate you. and yes, i do realize what you give me but it was never enough. because you know why? because i love you. and i hate you for using it and suck it out of me, leaving me nothing but my own heartbreak which to you, comes from my own delusional expectation of you. i can't understand you. at times, you were sincere. at some, you're just compensating.
I'm sorry I was in love with you. I'm sorry that I adore every little thing about you. Your ugly face, your lazy eyes, your sarcastic tone, your negative thoughts, your messy way of eating, your morning face, your laughter, your gestures, your way of thinking, your socioeconomic status, all of it.
Dear, I actually see how very flawed you are. You're not what I imagined. Anyone with that face should be living a dream but not you, you are totally flawed and to change that, it'll take years of hard work. But, i didn't mind, you see. Because you, yourself, covers all that weakness. I like that about you. and as you can see, this post has a mixture feelings to it. Of that sour denial, the sweet delusional and most importantly, the freaking adornment.
I will remember you forever as I will forget.
Every little bit part of me is gone. Now i have to carefully pick those scattered pieces and patched things up myself. i guess that's what unconditional love does to me. it breaks me and leaves me to clean up the mess all alone because there was never an US, there's just ME.
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