come back

I am gonna keep this moment so that I remember what it feels like to be stuck, like really stuck where you have nowhere to go neither knowing what to do. 

I think I've just ruined my relationship big time. 

I have this awesome guy I am dating and he's the person that I wanted to be with in the future. 

But let me tell you this, before i dwell too much into the relationship, I have already asked my grandpa to solat istikharah and see if this partnership with him is good for both of us and will it lead to Allah. And Alhamdullillah, the answer seems pretty good and to me, it's like a green light to put my hope on this guy and move along with the relationship.

And somehow, both of us got too tide up with our lust and desires. 

We went too far and as time passes by, things are becoming too addictive to stop. 

There are several guides that I now see Allah was trying to bring me back to the right path and one of it is us breaking up for the first time. 

That really hit me hard, at that time, I didn't know what to do and the reason of us breaking up is because of the things we do. The issues circulated there. 

But we managed to go through it, and our relationship went back to normal and we continued doing the things that we did.

I have always felt guilty everytime this happens and I have always believed that if i continue to do this, somehow, something is going to go wrong with my relationship with him.

Slowly day by day, we talked it out and tried out best not to go there. 

But as we were defeated again, my relationship with him starts to crumble even because of small things. It's starts to crumble now just by a simple thing that I'm not sure whose fault was it and if things are fixable or not. 

He hasn't been talking to me, neither answering my calls. Every time I hear advises, all of them kept on saying this guys doesn't love you as much as you do because if he does, he wouldn't dissapear for a long time without saying anything. Of course I don't want to believe them. I have that very small hope that he still loves me but he just needed time to sort out his mind. I really want to believe in him and Him. 

I really don't know what to do now. I am afraid if i initiated anything, he would not reply me at all. The traumatic experience when I was with Syamil kept on flooding my thoughts. I really really hope Khairul will not leave me hanging like this and evade eveything. I believe Khairul is another different guy who loves me and will become better. 

So dear, if you ever read this later, I just wanted to tell you how hurt I am and how sorry I am to caused you great pain in the relationship. I am sorry for being who I am. A person who always needed you to be there eventhough you can't. Always forcing you to do things when you're not ready, pushing you to the edge until now, you've totally broken apart. I am sorry. I hope you'll come back to me. I really do. I love you a lot and wish everything will be fine and all of this is just another phase towards a better relationship with you. I promise you to try my best to be the best for you and to help you get through things.